


Hold Me Like You Did Before

by SOMETHINREAL



Series: ROGUE ROUGE [1]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, but it's very brief i promise, closed doors based, mentions of sex but it's very very brief, rated m for mild homophobia and slurs, this is mainly soft, very very mild angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SOMETHINREAL/pseuds/SOMETHINREAL
Summary: They’re comfortably uncomfortable. They have each other. Nobody has to know.(alternatively: jae and brian love each other. jae's fucking terrified).





	Hold Me Like You Did Before

**Author's Note:**

> ever since amber dropped rogue rouge i've wanted to make a songfic-ish series so !! here she is !! this one is based off of closed doors, and I'm not sure if I'll actually go through with making a fic for each song but i'm going to try you guys

The party’s music is loud, booming in his ears, some new hip hop that Brian doesn’t know and definitely doesn’t like. It smells like weed and cigarettes and something so specifically _party_ that it’s almost sickening. The living room where he’s situated has a red-orange glow to it, courtesy of the lamp with a piece of coloured cling-wrap taped to it, which Brian is pretty sure is a fire hazard, but he’s too busy not enjoying the whole ordeal to even take it in. Jae’s gone to get them drinks, there’s some jock guy that was probably part of a frat with an incredibly douchey name sitting next to Brian. He’s talking his ear off about something that Brian couldn’t give less of a shit about, like sports or something, he doesn’t know. He’s tuned the jock out.

Jae returns with two red solo cups, a small smile on his face, but eyes that say he wants to be anywhere but here. Brian does too, but it’s Wonpil’s friend’s birthday party, and Jae and Brian were invited by default because Dowoon was Wonpil’s plus one and Brian was Dowoon’s and Jae was Brian’s. So it feels rude not to stay for at least a little while longer. But if the person sitting beside him says one more thing about breasts, Brian is pretty sure that he’s either going to rip his hair out or his dick is going to retract into his body.

“It’s just coke,” Jae says when he sits down, handing one of the cups to Brian, sensing the fact that he had been through with the conversation with the frat boy before it’s even started. “I didn’t trust the punch and I didn’t get whiskey because you’re driving.”

“Thanks,” Brian says. He nudges Jae with his foot; the most affection he can get away with while being so open like this. Brian can still see Jae flush in the lowlight.

It’s not that they aren’t allowed to be together, because legally, they are. It’s just that the people they’re often surrounded by make it a little hard for them to be themselves without having some kind of horrific insult thrown their way. And it’s fine. Brian doesn’t mind keeping it secret. But he wouldn’t mind being able to hold Jae’s hand in public without having some woman stop them and tell them, _I have no problem with gays, but do you have to do it in front of my kids?_ It would be nice every once in a while to be able to kiss Jae on the cheek without having people tell them off with very _colourful_ language, but it’s all fine. They’re comfortably uncomfortable. They have each other. Nobody has to know. 

“Disgusting,” the jock says, nodding towards the middle of the room. In the middle, two boys are dancing together, one has his hands on the other’s hips, crowding his space, the other has his head tipped back in a laugh. They’re enjoying each other. “What are they, _fags_ or something?”

Brian can feel Jae tense beside him. Brian almost tenses too. For a second he wishes that Jae had actually brought him whiskey. But it’s all fine. They can just ignore it.

“Look at them. Isn’t that gross?” Except he can’t now. He’s being spoken to. Brian simply shrugs, unable to vocalize anything that wouldn’t get his ass beat. He nudges Jae with his foot again and glances at him out of the corner of his eye. _It’s okay_ , he tries to say through his actions, _we’re fine._

“Jae doesn’t feel well,” he says to the jock. “The lights give him a headache. I’m going to take him home.”

 

-

 

They don’t touch each other on the elevator ride up to their apartment. It’s almost twelve, so no one is out and about, but there are security cameras and they want to be as safe as possible. They’ve lived together for nearly six years, known each other since they were fifteen and still hardly hitting puberty, but it feels like forever. They never used to worry about holding hands or hugging in public, because it hadn’t meant anything back then. They were just friends messing around and being stupid, what were a few odd looks in the grand scheme of things? But now, it means something. Now, they have to worry about things, and they shouldn’t. But they do.

Jae throws off his jacket as soon as they step through the door. It’s actually Brian’s jacket that Jae had stolen from the hall closet, now strewn across the floor, thin dusting of snow on the fabric slowly melting with the warmth of their home. Jae’s cheeks are red from the weather, eyes glassy, glasses fogged from the sudden rush of heat. He takes them off and wipes them on his sweater, but then opts out of them entirely and throws them on the table.

“Hey,” Brian says. It’s quiet, but loud in the silent apartment. He follows Jae like a dog to their bedroom. Jae used to have his own bedroom, which, technically he still does, but once they started dating, having to swap between two bedrooms every night just seemed counter productive. So now Jae’s bedroom is a guest room/office/the place where Jae keeps his guitars and amps and Brian his basses/the room where they have sex sometimes because they’re too lazy to walk an extra four feet to Brian’s room.

Jae doesn’t respond.

“Are you alright?”

“Why can’t people just get over it?” he asks. He’s sitting in the middle of the bed with his legs crossed, hair tousled from wind, hands, balled up in fists in his lap under the sleeves of a sweater that Brian thinks belonged to him originally, expression tight. “Why is it so bad for me to love you? Why can’t people understand that we’re just trying to live? I shouldn’t have to be worried about my safety because I’m too close to you, my fucking _boyfriend_ , the person I’m in love with. We shouldn’t have to live like this.”

And they shouldn’t. They shouldn’t have to live their lives behind closed doors because some dickhead jock thinks it’s okay to be being an ass to people just trying to live their lives. They shouldn’t have to worry whether or not it’s safe enough for them to walk close to one another, shouldn’t have to keep it a secret. But they do. They have for years. It’s getting more painful now than it was before.

“I don’t know,” Brian says. He doesn’t. He wishes he did.

“Bri,” Jae says, his lips are pale from being outside, pursed, thinking. “Brian, can you-- can you kiss me, please?” It’s a soft question; Jae speaks it quietly, as if he expects someone to be able to hear them. Brian doesn’t hesitate in climbing to the middle of their bed, taking Jae’s face in his hands, kissing him featherlight. His skin is still cold from the walk from the parking lot to their apartment, icy where Brian touches him, warm skin against cold, ice and fire. Jae is hesitant even though he’d asked for it. When Brian pulls away, Jae’s eyes meet his timidly.

“Hey,” Brian says. “What are you so worried about? It’s just me. Just us. No one has to know, no one can see. It’s just you and me, Jae. No one else.” Jae seems to relax at that, but he’s still tense when Brian kisses him again. He lets Brian pull him into his lap, lets his knees bracket Brian’s sides, his hands touch where Brian’s sweater stops at his collar bones, causes goosebumps to rise on the skin. But he’s still tense. Brian can feel it when he lets his hands wander Jae’s back, can touch the tightness between his shoulders with the pads of his fingers, the stiffness in his spine.

“Hey,” Brian says again against Jae’s mouth. Jae breathes out quietly against Brian’s lips. “You don’t have to be afraid, okay? You’re safe here with me, you know that.” Jae nods. “You know that I love you. That’s all that matters. I don’t want to see you hurting because of people that can’t open their eyes. I’m here.” Brian touches the space between Jae’s shoulders once more; the tension has melted away under his fingertips, but the fingers on Jae’s cheek are wet with tears.

“I just wish it was different,” Jae whispers, his breath ghosting against Brian’s lips, tears flowing freely now, but Brian just keeps wiping them away with his thumbs. Jae’s always handled the hiding thing worse than Brian. It’s that he’s scared of it all. Scared of being found out in his hiding place, scared of being open. He’s always been private with these sort of things. Back in Toronto, Brian could flaunt it. He’d known since he was little after all. Jae was always jealous of that. He’d only figured it out when he was nearly eighteen, and Brian had come to him in eleventh grade saying, _“Jae, I just thought I should let you know, I’m gay.”_  

Brian had made it look so _easy_. Maybe it was. Jae had kind of internalized the whole thing from high school to when they moved to Ilsan from Toronto, he had to after all. Korea was less accepting than Canada. But even before then, Jae had always had this internal battle with himself over his morals and what was wrong for him to do. It kills Brian to still see him fighting over what’s wrong and what’s right when there simply are no wrongs he could be doing.

“I wish that people didn’t look at us funny when we hold hands and run for the bus,” he adds mindlessly. Brian bumps their noses together gently; a reassurance. “I wish that I didn’t feel bad about this all the time, because it takes away from us. If I wasn’t scared, then we could be happier. It’s just so shitty when you’re so okay with everything and I can’t be.”

“You think I’m not scared?” Brian asks. Jae’s tears have stopped now; Brian’s thumbs wiping them, lips kissing them away. Jae just looks at him. “Jae, I’m fucking _terrified._  I worry every day whether or not someone will find out somehow, that something will happen, whatever. But it doesn’t matter. I have you. What’s a lost job or a lost friend over losing you? I can get another job. I can get friends who won’t judge me for being myself. But losing you is something so much bigger. You’re irreplaceable. That’s why I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll lose _you_.”

Jae kisses him hard on the mouth. It’s what they both need; a sign of reassurance, of understanding, an attempt at saying, _Yes, yes, I get it, I love you._ Jae is lax in his arms, all the tension, the tightness, all melted away. His hands aren’t scared to wander; one ends up on Brian’s shoulder and the other in his hair. Brian’s wander too, but they don’t stop roaming, over Jae’s hips, shoulders, small of his back, the hairs at his nape. Touch is all they need.

“I’d never give it up though,” Brian says once their heavy kisses mellow out to delicate pecks, once they’ve flipped around so that Brian is hovering over Jae, holding himself on his elbows, so that Jae’s hands are sliding up and down, up and down Brian’s back.

“You won’t lose me,” Jae tells him. “I’m sticking around for a while.” For the first time tonight, Jae smiles. It’s genuine, too. Brian can tell from the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. Brian smiles back without hesitation, lips pecking Jae all over his face until he laughs too.

“We’ll be scared together, then.”

“Maybe one day things will change.” Jae pulls Brian down so that they’re aligned head to toe, so that Brian’s on top of him completely. Brian feels like he might crush Jae, but Jae just wraps his arms around Brian’s waist when he tries to squirm away.

“Hopefully,” Brian hums wistfully.

“And if not,” Jae says, “back to Toronto. Or maybe we could go to LA. There’s a lot of things that I want to show you from when I was a kid.” Brian smiles into Jae’s chest, the thought of Jae as a child causing trouble washing over him. He finds himself thinking of Jae, and he knows that Jae was the type of kid that’s allergic to everything but still rolls around in the grass anyways, still does all of the things that he shouldn’t, but didn’t care in the slightest, too busy having fun to even think about the repercussions.

“I’d love that,” Brian tells him. Jae’s fingers walk his spine.

“Maybe one day.”

“One day,” Brian echoes. Outside their window, snow begins to fall.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](http://twitter.com/hfkyounghyun)


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